Relena Monster
by Mariana1
Summary: Random joint ficlet. WARNING for suggested kink, Relena Bashing, YAOI! scariness and being just plain weird. 1x2x5, 3x4 1x2x3x4x5... mmm... donuts


AN:  
  
This is..Well, how could we describe it? . nicely ? Um. kink wrapped up with a nice big ribbon and watered down a bit. Oh, and slashy goodness. And Relena-bashing.and not a lot of dialogue, actually.It's not so much a story as a rant with a plot.  
  
Yes, there is a plot, I don't care what you think!  
  
So it isn't PWP?. dammit  
  
It's as close as we can get with no clichés or with Relena in it.  
  
Oh, ok. so we're warning you, ADULT suggestions and shoun. YAOI!  
  
**evil grin** Oh, and in case you couldn't tell, this was written by two authors. Mariana and Moi, Hoshi. **insert plug here** yinandyang.topcities.com will be updated I swear!!!  
  
Thank you to 'Miko (we all know you're not as innocent as you say ;)) so uh. yeah. thanks, hope you weren't too scared!  
  
Flames will be used to melt characters we don't like.  
  
DISCLAIMER: We, sadly, do not own the wonderful, amazing, bishies within this fic. They are someone else's property. DAMMIT. do ya gotta rub it in?  
  
And b4 I forget, this is unlike a load of my fic in that Hoshi here, has made me make it a 1x2x5 rather than just a 1x2. so Wu-bear gets some action. Also 3x4 and 1x2x3x4x5  
  
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Relena Monster  
  
Once upon a time, there were five, exceptionally bishie, sexxay, really purdy boys. Who had not one arse between them. Seriously. They had about seven stalkers though, but we'll come to that later.  
  
They have asses. I'm sure that one of them has an ass. whaddabout...um. Heero **looks at video** oh.. nope, you're right, no ass! Well, anyway. These very very bishie guys, who from now on will be known as the G-boys, had a wonderful job that entailed blowing up things that they didn't like. they didn't like a lot of things.  
  
This is where the stalkers come into play.  
  
There was one particularly eeevviiiilll stalker named - RELENA (DIE PINK BITCH DIE!) ahem yes, anyway, Her name was **roll of thunder, lightning flash** Relena. And she was the queen of all stalkers. And, also, the world - because her adopted father was in so much agony when he died, he became deluded into thinking it would be a jolly good idea to let her know that really, she was supposed to be the all-powerful ruler of the world. But we can let him off, on account of having protected the world from her for 15 years previously.  
  
Well, you can let him off. I have a much more cynical view on the matter.  
  
**roll of thunder, lightning flash** Relena **evil stalker psycho-bitch** was greatly obsessed and stalking one of the G-boys I think we mentioned before, Heero. a.k.a.: Hee-chan, Hee-koi, Hee-man, Hee-babe, soldier-boy, Spandex-boy, The Perfect Soldier, the saviour of the world, Yuy and, by the evil bitch we're talking about, HEEEEEEEERRRRRRRROOOOO! But he wasn't very pleased with this, was he?  
  
Now, Heero was very well loved among the G-boys, mainly because he was bonking two of them and the other two liked to stare at his non-ass whenever he bent down to get anything out of the bottom cupboard.  
  
If they weren't groping each other at the time, that is. So now you know the great secret. DUN DUN DUUUUUN. the G-boys are g-a-y! Poofters, Flamers, Queers, Faggots, Faeries etc etc.They don't however, like Cher or Graham Norton, because they're damn scary.  
  
And also because they weren't alive at the same time, but that isn't really the point. Cher can't die. If she could, she'd be gone by now. Seriously. She's like a sentient mannequin. And Graham Norton - He'll stick around for a few more centuries just to spite me.  
  
Well, anyway. Relena **roll of thunder, lightning flash** came round to see Heero one day. (please take into account by came round to see I mean tracked down using her evil Queen of the World mojo and stood screaming outside their mansion (graciously donated by Q-man -another G-boy) until they got so fed up they had to let her in because, although they, being Gundam pilots, had faced many terrible things in their lives, Relena's voice was worse than anything they had ever encountered). Plus, Duo was gonna shoot her. Quatre, however, wouldn't allow this. Not because he is sweet natured, kind and Relena's bestest best friend! Oh no! **shudders** Because he wanted to see if he could fit her in the grinder.  
  
And she was interrupting his "quiet time" with Trowa (If you can call all that moaning and screaming quiet **snickers - They make beeyooootiful music together**) However, Heero was 'engaged' with Wuffles and Duo when she was let in, so they had to leave her in the broom closet ((which they conned her into thinking was a luxury relaxation room)) until everyone was quite finished and armed up to the teeth ((under their extremely tight, extremely revealing clothes. ALL WORSHIP SPANDEX SPACE!!))  
  
**sweatdrops** they put her in the closet. they do remember what that closet's been used for don't they? I mean, Wu-babe was in it for years, before he finally decided to come out and grace D-chan and Hee with his presence. and loud loud voice. and big big sword.**coughohhellyeahcough**  
  
No, this was a closet closet. Not one of the specially-furnished-containing- everything-kinky-just-in-case Closets. Not that she'd notice anyway.  
  
But there was that one time, when Duo couldn't be bothered to find one of the. oh, sorry, off topic there for a moment. so Relena **roll of thunder, lightning flash**'s in the closet, what happened then, oh wondrous slash writer..?  
  
Gimme a sec, 'm plotting! **cackles manically as she scribbles on a billion bits of paper**  
  
Ok, I'll have to amuse myself. I wonder if Quatre got that viewing glass installed yet.  
  
************KINK BREAK*************  
  
Okay, back to work.  
  
Do I gotta? It's just getting interesting!  
  
Oooh! Lemme see! **shakes head** NO! Must concentrate! This is.God, I never thought I'd say this.MORE IMPORTANT THAN PRETTY BOYS SHAGGING!!!  
  
O.o. noooooooo. oh. umm. **tears eyes away** O-k then **sulks** if I have to! So what happened to Relena **roll of thunder, lightning flash** in the closet?  
  
Well, after she'd sat in a rather suspicious sticky patch, she was released about three hours later by the Maguanacs, who are all specially trained professionals, and led into the only room in the house that did not have anything her voice could shatter in.  
  
Oh. that room. I remember now, I recall her wondering what all the rubber was for. And then.. She saw Heero.  
  
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"  
  
BLAM!  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-"  
  
BLAMBLAMBLAM!  
  
"RRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!!!  
  
He got glomped. And She got a lot of glares.  
  
First there was the all powerful, almighty Yuy death-glare  
  
Then there was the Wufei Chang Glare of Doom  
  
Followed closely by the Maxwell Get-your-hands-off-my-man-you-inbred-freak glare  
  
After that came the Mildly Disapproving Glare of Quatre  
  
Finally followed by the Barton I'm-a-scary-clown-who-throws-knives-and-has- a-psycho-sister-ph33r-m3 Glare  
  
But Relena was far too oblivious to nice this and continued to glomp the guy who had told her million of times that he would kill her. and now proceeded to do so again.  
  
Now, unlike many people **couchbakascough** suggest he has not followed through on this threat before not because he was secretly coping with his overwhelming lo. nope, can't even write it. for her, it was rather because he had been so busy with Duo and, later Wufei, that he just never got round to it. However, now, with her pink-clad arms clamped tightly round his well- muscled torso, he was feeling very much as though he had a lotta time on his hands.  
  
So he shot her. In the head. Several times.  
  
Everyone cheered.  
  
Relena tried to kiss him.  
  
Everyone stopped cheering.  
  
He shot her again. Wufei ran her through with his sword ((No, not his big, big sword, the pointy one he.um.there's no non-pervy way to say this, is there? The one he has.strapped to his back!)) Relena still tried to suck- face with our beloved Hee-Chan.  
  
"She won't die!" Quatre wailed adorably, earning a surreptitious grope from Trowa.  
  
"I know what to do!" Duo cried, ever on-the-ball.or the bed, floor, desk, wall, insert-convenient-surface-here. (hmm. howsabout the checkout at the local kwik-e-mart? **wipes drool off keyboard**) And he bravely tackled Wuffles to the ground and proceeded to do a spontaneous tonsillectomy.  
  
Heero, seeing this, found the strength to throw Relena off him and join in.  
  
mmmm. threesomes. mmm.. bishies. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm donuts. huh?! DONUTS! I HAVE DONUTS?! Oh, no. that was just something Duo left out. dammit.  
  
mmmm..food kink..  
  
Aaaaahhhh **drool**  
  
Sorry, sidetracked again. But now Relena was watching in wide-eyed disgust. and her hands they were.  
  
"I'm MEEEELLLLLLTING!!!!!!"  
  
"She's just trying to get attention." Quatre whispered to Trowa, not taking his eyes off the three on the floor. "Ignore her."  
  
Insulted and going gloopy, Relena tried again, her voice lowering a few octaves.  
  
"I'm MeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEElllllllLLLLLLLLLLttttTTTTTIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG *bwupbwupbwup* oh what a whirl."  
  
And that was the end of the evil Relena monster.  
  
No one noticed, however, as they were far too busy engaging in a highly enjoyable game of 'hide-the-sausage' that lasted all through the night, and the next day, and the day after that.  
  
I think they're still going actually.**grabs popcorn and a video camera and runs**  
  
.mmmmm. they brought in chocolate. mmmmmmmmmmmmm  
  
THE END  
  
OWARI 


End file.
